Over-thinking. Oh, and some ramblings on ageing.

I'm going insane from too little revision. I'm awful. Anyway, that's all I'm saying about revision for this post as I don't want to not revise by writing about revision, that's just weird.

Firstly, I think I've finished the whole Innocent Smoothie Challenge. I can officially say that I hated the 'Pomegranates, blueberries and acai' smoothie. It was horrendous. Not the kind of horrendous where I drink it anyway because I paid for it and it's good for me, but the kind of horrendous where I give it away...in exchange for an egg (an egg which I'm yet to claim, don't you let me forget, Meg, I want to make those cakes, dammit!). So yes, don't anyone ever buy that smoothie. Unless you're Meg and you like your smoothie really strong. Weirdo.

Anyway. More important crap. I'm turning 20 this month and I'm terrified for many reasons.
1 - I will no longer be a teenager. I can't use 'being a teenager' as an excuse. Losing my teenager label also means that I'll be 'in my 20s' and that is just haunting.
2 - With age comes responsibility. With responsibility comes effort. Enough said.
3 - Woman in her 20s makes me feel really old. I hate to do the whole "it feels like only yesterday *insert random young person memory here* blah blah blah," but it's true. It really all does feel like yesterday. It's scary that since I was 16 I've changed a shocking amount, it'll be weird to look upon them as 'my teenage years' rather than normal people years. (I know that sounds ridiculous, it makes sense in my head...)
4 - My next decade of life is going to be mental. Remember filling in those 'Where do you want to be in 10 years time?' sheets at the end of high school? Well now I have 6 years left to fulfil everything that was on that sheet. Not a chance.
5 - The older I get the more I think about things that I never used to care about. By the time I'm 50 I'll be senile and eating tapioca by the barrel-full due to my brain frazzling because of over-thinking. Over-thinking that I would rather have avoided, but I have one of those stupid brains that doesn't really properly switch off.

Over-thinking things in life is always a bad thing. I think my degree is amazing, but the way it makes me analyse certain things just depresses me, ageing is one of those things. I've been reading a lot of feminist perspectives on ageing and it's like reading my future. It's just horrible. Obviously ageing is a perfectly natural construct, it's just a shame that it won't ever just be that. I've always had a bit of a worry about ageing, I'm not really sure why, but I've always been really bothered about looking after my skin, moisturising a lot and not smoking (due to being terrified of all wrinkle formation). But it's all kind of pointless isn't it? Keeping up a youth that I will eventually lose. It's the loss of youth, the loss of feminine identity that worries me the most. Femininity is constructed through a series of behaviours towards particular things which are coded as 'feminine'; these feminine coded things aren't possessed by older women (I know, it's ridiculous). Older women are basically exiled from their own gender by society. I know this all sounds a little drastic, but now I've read about it, I see it everywhere.

This always happens, I should just stop reading. I may be more knowledgeable for reading more, but I'm also more aware, and consequently more disheartened, about things that I really shouldn't bother thinking about, as there's nothing I can do. Oh bugger.

I'm going to eat a bagel because I'm too lazy to make anything else.
FUCK YOU, REAL MEAL-TIMES.
(Sociology has taught me however, to piss off "the system")